Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
