ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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