And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
