It's Friday. Sex?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
