I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
