Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
