soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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