I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
