i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
