He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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