Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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