I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
