I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
