My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can't put those talents on a resume
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
