foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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