I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
