He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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