I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize