Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
