I'm going to jail i love you
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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