You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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