it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
