I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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