im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
