i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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