Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
