It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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