He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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