My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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