the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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