I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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