I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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