Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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