Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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