We won't sleep together?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
