my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
