My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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