I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
