It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
