I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
