I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
