my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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