My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
