My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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