I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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