Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
