my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
