you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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