dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
