my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
