How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
