Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
