I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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