I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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