My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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