What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
