wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Your penis caused this!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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