I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
