There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
