She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize