I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
