Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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