my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
